Sometimes, it’s okay to hate your puppy.

Let’s face it. Puppies are cute and sweet and beautiful little four legged, furry bundles of licky and bouncy happiness. And, as I have long suspected being cute is a survival mechanism of many baby animals, as it provokes a caring and protective response in the more senior of the species. But now we know that this is just a mind game employed by puppies to actually train you instead, or at least just dazzle me with their big eyes and floppy ears long enough to melt my icy heart and then be a little fucker.

It’s like butter wouldn’t melt, probably because it wouldn’t have chance to.

Fletcher really has been on one for the past week or so. I think there is some correlation between his behaviour and the fact that he is almost 5 months old, is that age a sort of teenagedom for puppies?

Fletcher finally found some friends that are shorter than him.

Fletcher has been displaying the typical teenage characteristics demonstrated by his human counterparts, by being a bit of a deviant and humping his bed. He really does try to show it a good time, but like most teenagers its all a bit one sided and disappointing.

Besides being a deviant, Fletcher has also been going through a rebellious stage. He constantly tries to get into the bin, and obviously he can’t reach because his legs are 3 inches long, so as a substitute he decides to rip apart the plastic bag just hanging out of it. As I don’t let him eat an actual plastic bag he changes tactic and sits and whimpers and cries as if the whole world has ended.

Fletch during one of the rare moments he wasn’t trying to destroy a plastic bag.

The worst part of puppy behaviour is the whining and crying, where do they get the energy from to keep it up for so long! Like I know being a teenage puppy is an emotional time, the bed that you like to hump doesn’t like you back, your owner won’t let you eat gone off food or plastic bags from the bin. It can all get on top of you and drag you down, but crying for an hour over it is just not the answer.

I’m not weird you’re weird.

Also leaving ANYTHING on the ground that is not meant for the pin sharp clutches of his puppy teeth is a massive NO NO. If I drop something it’s a race between Fletcher and I to see who can get to it first, as if he gets there he will grab it and run around like a lunatic while I chase him. His favourite thing to eat/destroy at the moment is tissue, and weirdly enough underwear, if it’s worn underwear then even better. Told you he was a deviant. My fear is that either of these materials will block his bowels and he will just eventually explode in a big shitty mess. So yeah I do my best to try and avoid that.

Why do puppies and dogs act as though they haven’t been fed for a week? The slightest hint of food and he sits and stares me directly in the eyes and just barks, and it’s not so much of a bark but more of an ear piercing squeak that turns into a prolonged shriek when you don’t give into him. And I when it comes to food I never give in, I certainly do not share food. That has also become a relentless part of his personality, suppose I should have listened when people told me dachshunds are yappy little fuckers.

As pay back for being a dick I make Fletcher dress as a fisherman.

As it turns out puppy maturity stages aren’t that dissimilar to human ones, especially the naughty teenager phase. Moody, rebellious and horny. Sounds about right.

But despite being a genuine arsehole Fletcher still is my favourite creature, even though sometimes I do consider putting him in a basket and dumping him on the steps of an orphanage.

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